It's 12:30am right now and I have to get up at 6 to eat so I have to keep this short. This morning we had class with Rajashree and it was tough, I lay on the mat for about 1/2 of it. The humidity was driving me crazy and also I am always bad in the morning.
All day we listened to people saying the first pose on the stage, in front of Bikram. His comments were mostly constructive but some of them were ridiculous. There was a girl who had a bowed back and he asked her if she was the hunchback of notre dame!??? He also told one guy that the guy was a very good person, compassionate and caring, but if you put all of his qualities together and looked at him as a person he is a little bit abnormal. It is soooooooo funny to sit in the audience and hear that but if you have to stand up there and say it - watch out. I'll keep you posted about what he has to say about me & my friends.
The evening class at 5pm tonight was later called 'The Tsunami'. The reason was because there were literally bodies everywhere. Even Bikram had to tell people to leave the room because they had bad muscle cramps or were about to pass out. I lay on the mat for about 2/3 of the class, everytime I tried to get up for a pose I felt so dizzy and nauseas. I have never had to lie down that much before, not even when I was starting out!!! The other teachers in the class kept coming over and telling us to sit up if we could, etc.... it was soooooooooooooooo hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like crying about 3 times and a secret thought came to me - what if I can't help it and I just quit?????? What if I just get on a plane home because I can't take any more? Seriously the conditions here are inhuman, I was really struggling.
At 9pm we started more lecture and Rajashree had to come to the front and tell us that as a group we need to relax, we're holding too much anxiety and emotion which is making us so weak. She said when you feel pain or scared you need to think of something else and it will go away. I had a burning feeling in the centre of my chest, near the solar plexus and when I asked a girl about it she said it was anxiety. At least I was not the only one. Although it's crazy and mean and hard, everyone also is really supportive and postive, they say we are the best in performing the dialogue in the history of teacher training and they also keep saying to take it easy. Bikram said he is feeling happy if we have to lie down because we need to throw up or feel dizzy, our toxins are coming out and we are adjusting to the hot room. You could never tell he felt that way in the room though!!! He just pushes everyone and holds the postures for so long.
The crazy thing is, after his classes I feel amazing, even if I was lying on the floor for most of it. A few hours after the class today I felt a wave of positive thought and my anxiety totally left. I just need to keep going and I hope my practice will get back to the point where I can at least stand up on my mat for the class!!!! Anyways, I'll keep you updated and I'm sure tomorrow is better as my anxiety is slowly fading and I'm feeling more energized. The thing I thought of the get my mind off feeling scared is how lucky I am to have my life, and be surrounded by my family and friends and everyone who is special to me and how great everyone is - so thanks everyone for the inspiration!!!!!!